A/N: This is set during Series 3, Episode 5. I always think of the third series as a period of trial and error for Shelagh. She’s not completely certain who she wants to be, or how to become that woman. Her only certainty is the “rightness” of her choice to be a wife and mother to Patrick and Timothy.

Also, I’m definitely in the Timothy-calling-Shelagh-Mum-from-Early-On camp. He calls her “Mum” so naturally in episode 8 and wanted so much for the wedding to go forward, that I think he’s much more likely to admit vulnerability than his father.  Perhaps a trait from his mother?

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The flat seemed too quiet without Timothy and Patrick now. Each had somewhere else to be, out in the world, and Shelagh could feel the walls closing in on her. Patrick was right, Timothy needed time to be a boy, to play out, to get into a bit of mischief. Here in the flat, months after his release from the hospital, he must have felt trapped.

Shelagh shook her head to clear the fog of self-doubt. What was done was done. She would have to apologize to the boy, and move on. Yet somehow, knowing the path she must take did not make it easier to follow. Her hands felt so idle, her mind adrift without Timothy’s time to consider.

What now? she wondered. For so much of her life she had followed a plan, had a purpose. Patrick’s solution, that she help at Nonnatus whilst Sister Julienne rested, seemed the best course. The task of keeping the midwifery and nursing practices going would certainly busy her hands and mind. Perhaps that would be enough, for now.

The door of the flat creaked open slowly, and she could hear the halting steps of her stepson as he quietly returned. Shelagh felt her face relax into an amused smile. She knew Timothy well enough to know he was feeling remorseful for abandoning her this afternoon. She sighed and put her unread book down.

“Hello, Timothy,” she called cheerfully. Best to let him know he wasn’t in trouble from the start.

Cautiously, he appeared at the sitting room door. He swallowed tightly.

“Your father told me you were playing cricket this afternoon. I suppose I’ll finally have to learn the rules, then! I hope you had a pleasant time.” Even to her own ears, her voice sounded stiff. She smiled brightly to cover her unease.

“Yes,” Timothy replied. He bit his lip, hesitant. “Dad said I could.”

Shelagh nodded. “Of course. Did you get anything else to eat, you must be hungry. I can reheat dinner unless you’d prefer to wait until your father gets home?” She nervously moved into the kitchen, conscious of the strain between them.

“No, thank you. Dad gave me pocket money for an ice cream. I can wait ‘til he gets back. He said it should be a light list tonight.” He glanced quickly at her, then away. “I think I’ll go to my room now if you don’t mind. I’d like to read for a bit.”

It was as if they were strangers, on their best behavior. Memories of her distant father flooded her mind. Stoic as to character, made even more so by the death of his wife, Douglas Mannion had preferred silence. The physical distance of the convent school Shelagh attended soon after her mother’s death was nothing to the emotional estrangement she felt from her father.

This was not why she left the Order, Shelagh thought. The emotional connection she felt with Patrick and Timothy filled in places in her heart she hadn’t known existed. She would not let misunderstandings and doubt take that joy away from her.

Taking a deep breath, Shelagh tapped on Timothy’s door. A muffled, “Just a moment, please,” came through the wooden door, followed by rustling and a thump.

“Alright, you can come in.”

Timothy sat on the edge of his bed, his calipers in a heap on the floor. His face was tense, and Shelagh nearly lost courage. They had grown so close in this past year. Had she undone that in her desire to mother him?

“Timothy, dear, I’m afraid I owe you an apology.” She swallowed heavily. “I’ve been so anxious to keep you safe that I’m afraid I’ve … smothered you a bit. It’s only right that you should want to be outside with your playmates, and I’m certain they would welcome you. I won’t stand in your way any longer.”

Timothy didn’t respond, his eyes to the floor.

“Well, then,” Shelagh forged on, her voice cheerful. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

The hallway seemed dimmer as she made her way back to the kitchen. She had made the effort, but it seemed the damage was already done.

“Mum?” she heard him call through the flat. Worried, Shelagh returned to his doorway.

Timothy hadn’t moved from his place on the bed, his eyes still on the floor. His voice was hushed. “I’ve been a bit of a beast to you lately. I knew you just wanted to protect me, but it made me angry. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings. It wasn’t nice of me to be so rude.”

Shelagh stepped into the room, closer to the bed. “I understand, dearest. You’re not a little boy any longer, nor-” she added certainly, “nor are you an invalid. If we want your legs to get stronger, it’s silly for you to stay inside with me. Sister Evangelina always says “A bored boy is a naughty boy.’”

“Is that why she’s always giving me things to do?” Timothy quipped. “Maybe she should give Gary a list!”

Shelagh chuckled and sat on the bed next to him. “I’m not sure even Sister Evangelina could think of enough things to keep Gary out of trouble!” She reached down, reaching for his calipers. “I suppose these aren’t necessary to wear whilst you’re reading. Call me when you’d like to put them back on, and I can help.”

Tim nodded, but his face clouded over.

“Timothy, is there something the matter? Can I help?”

He fiddled with the leather straps. “I had so much fun today, I really did. The others were brilliant, and no one seemed to mind I was so slow.”

“That’s because you’re smart enough to pick good friends.” She pushed his fringe back from his forehead, waiting for him to say more.

“I know it’s your job to worry about me, but I’m going to be fine. The doctors are all pleased with how well I’m doing, and playing out will only help.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “If I tell you something, you promise not to hold it against me?”

“You sound like a barrister,” she joked.

“Promise?”

Shelagh nodded. They weren’t starting over, but it felt a bit new, somehow.

“I’m glad I went out today. It was great fun, but I’m sorry that I made you feel bad, and I won’t do it again.” He looked up and met her eyes. “I am a bit sore now. That’s why I’ve taken off the calipers. My legs feel rather like when the physical therapy is a bit difficult.”

Of course, Shelagh realized. It would hurt. Pushing out against the old ways always did. But it had to be done.

“Alright, then. Lay back whilst I get the liniment. We’ll get these poor pins rubbed down and ready for tomorrow’s adventures.”